*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent