Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…