Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
j o i m p
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists