5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.