Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched