Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]