You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?