Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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watergate? u mean a dam??
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
estão todos miauvindo?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*