I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
A family that plays together cheats.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka