Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
SPLOOT
*praying for world peace*
God:
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”