I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
You Might Also Like
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…