One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.