If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
who wants to go expliring
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“No way.” -Jose
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.