You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better