“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*