Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Meow
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.