Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
the official breakfast of 2021
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.