Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
How about daylight saves us for once
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.