The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.