BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
bears
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
💻🤡
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.