Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.