I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?