Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
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Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical