Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!