kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!