Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
You Might Also Like
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me irl
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed