ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
it’s finally my moment to shine
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
This bar smells like my childhood.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.