Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I have no passwords left in me
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.