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groan^2
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My blood type is coffee.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.