ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
You Might Also Like
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.