If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70