me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Not today, today.
Not today.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes