All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted