I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
work smarter, not harder
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “