[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30