For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
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[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.