[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
You Might Also Like
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.