*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?