Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
You Might Also Like
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
bad news gang
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”