Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?