Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
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And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.