date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*