The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
necessity is the mother of invention
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics