Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I identify as an antique shop.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.