AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
m’lady
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.