me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
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Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Pretty much. 🤣
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist