I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
subtitles are so good nowadays
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Oh my god
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*