Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!