I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
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me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.