I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My first child will be named New Folder.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.